Your “Head,” Your “Heart,” And Your Values
What can you do when you KNOW you should do a certain thing but you WANT to do something else instead?
How many of you experience a “Head-Heart Conflict” on a regular basis? This happens when your head (your reasoning mind) tells you to do one thing and your heart (your emotions) tells you to do another.
Suffering From A Head-Heart Conflict?
Ideally, your head and your heart would “agree” as to the course of action to take. But when they don’t agree, following the course of action suggested by your reasoning mind can lead to a very different result than following a course of action suggested by your “feelings” and emotions. When you follow your feelings and ignore your mind’s best judgment, you can end up doing work that leaves you unfulfilled, or having friendships or a marriage that leave you drained. Or when you follow your mind’s best judgment and ignore your feelings, you can end up doing something you’re good at but that you don’t particularly enjoy. For instance, I’m good at administrative work. But I don’t like administrative work in and of itself – I do administrative work in order to support the work I really love: coaching.
Your Values: The “Referee” Between Your Heart And Your Head
Your values are the things that are important to you for your life. Your values can include everything from food clothing, and shelter to good character, meaningful work, fulfilling relationships, and political freedom. You aren’t born with these values – you have to work to attain them.
Your emotions and feelings don’t tell you what your values are. You have to discover what supports a healthy, fulfilling life and what gets in the way of having a healthy, fulfilling life. Let’s say one of your values is a happy, fulfilling marriage.
Once you know that this is one of your values, you are ready to use this value as a referee between your Heart and your Head. Suppose you meet a fellow and you immediately fall head over heels in love. You don’t know WHY you feel that way, you just know that you “feel” that way. And suppose he feels that way, too.
What should you do? Should you act on your feelings and get married immediately? Or should you use your head to discover what it is that attracts the two of you to each other, and get to know each other better first? Should you let your emotions carry you over the threshold, or should you use your head to figure out what you want in a marriage partner and see how he matches up? Should you get lost in your rapture, or use your head to explore where you each stand on beliefs, children and money issues? Should you follow your heart and rush into buying a home together, or use your head to plan different experiences together, so you can see how you react under different circumstances?
Now use your value of having a fulfilling marriage to decide between your Head and your Heart.
Ask yourself, “Which course of action will help me achieve a fulfilling marriage — the course of action that my Heart points to, or the course of action that my Head points to?”
Eliminating The Head-Heart Conflict
Growing up, you discovered that just going by your feelings doesn’t get you very far. As you mature, you discover that love is not “blind” — it actually requires a lot of effort discovering, listening, communicating, coordinating, and doing. Once you decide that you will have a much better chance at achieving your value of a fulfilling marriage by following your “Head,” your “Heart” will follow. You will WANT to take the steps to make sure this is the best decision for both of you. You will WANT to make sure your Head and your Heart are on the same page.
Your Values Are The Key To Your Head And Your Heart
Your VALUES are the pivot point between your Head and your Heart.
- You use your Head to support your life and gain your VALUES. You must use your head to figure out how to go about achieving your values. You must discover what you need to do and how you should prioritize; you must break down the tasks into into sizable steps, you must make your daily plan, and you must actively take those steps.
- Your Heart automatically responds to your progress toward your VALUES. Your feelings of happiness come from achieving one of your values. Your feelings of sadness come from losing one of your values. Your feelings of fear come from sensing a danger to one of your values.
Being very clear about your values can eliminate the unnecessary conflict between your Heart and your Head. Once you know what your values are, your Heart can beat in perfect harmony with your Head, because they both revolve around the same “drummer”: YOUR VALUES.
Being clear about your values makes you feel like a WHOLE PERSON, no longer torn between your mind’s best judgment and your emotions. You feel at home with BOTH your Heart and your Head — and so you feel at home with yourself. And when you combine feeling at home with yourself with striving for your values, you have a winning combination that enables you to love living your life.
Handy Resource: To discover how to vastly improve your productivity, your relationships, and your quality of life, click on the Break Free CD button above. My CD program, 8 Steps For Reclaiming Your Life shows you an easy, fun way to trace your conflicts to their very roots in your bottom-line belief system. You will see how your conflicts come from the incompatible “ingredients” in your Recipe For Living. By adjusting your Recipe to make all your “ingredients” compatible, you will discover how to eliminate all the unnecessary conflict and guilt from your life, and you will learn how to handle unavoidable conflict and criticism with ease and good will. And you will discover how to convert your To Do List from an endless stream of duties to an exciting plan of purposeful steps toward the most important things you want to experience and achieve in your lifetime.